this time last year

... I was so lovesick... beyond words, beyond any scholarly explanation. I turned a blind eye to the deception, all because my crazy little heart ruled over my brain. I allowed myself to be used and abused and took martyrdom to a whole new level. 

I believed in destiny, in childhood dreams coming true, in fate, in love conquering all, in first love never dying, in infinity and beyond, in forever and a day.  I believed in second chances, in that age old adage of "setting someone free and if it comes back, it is yours forever"... etc etc etc

I was willing to risk everything, to leave everything behind and just live in a place where "kilig" rules and nothing else matters. My happiness and my sense of self-worth depended on a single person. I voluntarily submitted myself to be placed on the bottom of the clearance rack, a place even the most kuripot shopper dare not waste time digging into. 

Someone controlled my happiness and made me feel like I am of so little value, As "Michael" aptly described in My best friend's wedding,I think it came to a point that my whole being was comparable to  "the pus that infects the mucus that cruds up the fungus that feeds on the pond scum"… and the worst part is that I didn't mind at all, I allowed it to happen. I was happily contented at being just pus. 

I am pretty sure my brain was still inside my skull during that time, but it did seemed like it went into a coma. I guess the danger of being alone for a very long time is that you easily fall for the very first person who shows you that you are not alone. 

I am a living proof that no one really dies of a broken heart. After countless nights of crying myself to sleep and taking 30-minute baths (20 minutes of that bath time spent crying), of taking self-pity for breakfast and wishing I had known better. I guess I found my way to moving on. 

They say time heals all wounds, and I have come to believe that it is true. I don't know how, but I woke up one day without the urge to exercise my ninja level stalking skills on Facebook, i was no longer wishing and hoping to get a message on Skype, and love songs ceased to make me stop and think "awwww i can relate". 

I died a little, I cried a lot,and spent a whole lot of time staring blankly and asking myself questions that no one can really answer.There is so much reason for my heart to be filled with hatred and bitterness. But I chose to let go of anger, to forgive but not to forget the lesson. Love is a special thing, I know I am capable of loving, and that there is this one person who deserves all the love and that person is the one who stares back at me every time I look in the mirror. I love myself now, maybe not as much as I should have before, but enough to be able to know what I truly deserve. 

So I guess there will really be people who will come into my life just to strengthen me, so I can move on with my life a better person. They are not meant to stay, they are meant to teach me something. They will be a part of my memory, not my destiny.